so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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