peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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