i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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