So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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