i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
