a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
