WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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