woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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