dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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