I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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