I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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