hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
