I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
