I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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