So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
