There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
