She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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