Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
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