thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
