I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
