If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
