It's like a parade of train wrecks.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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