Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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