theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize