I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
he fucked my hip out of place.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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