oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
barbara walters just said penis...
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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