oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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