i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
