Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
