The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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