woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
