I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
