That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize