You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
a search helicopter?!
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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