I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
