Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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