That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
