What did we do last night that was yellow?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
