i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
