i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize