I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
