i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
