My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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