i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
