Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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