fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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