We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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