I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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