I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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