I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
