i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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