why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
