hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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