Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
