so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
