Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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