seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
