Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Randomize