and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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