I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
