I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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