He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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