i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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