I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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