he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
