Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
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