All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I could make wine with my vomit
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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