you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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