he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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