Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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