After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
