god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
